something unusual, something strange
Often I find people asking me what am I thinking about, and I am at a loss for words at that exact moment, despite my initial reaction to say, “nothing” in all reality, naturally I am thinking of a million in one things that I don’t care to share, I can’t stumble to vocalize, or, I know that your opinion on the subject/reaction will be nothing more than a dull, “oh.”
My mind works in a way in a way which doesn’t always mesh well with my emotions, I want someone to engage in my ideas and feelings as much as I want to engage in theirs.
Generally when I speak my mind it’s never anything that anyone has an actual reaction to or it takes a while to digest the things I speak of. I often get responses day’s later, and I just want to be able to share my mind, my thoughts, my dreams, my expectations, my actual in depth thoughts, and my nonsensical jumble of jokes & ideas.
“I told you to be patient, I told you to be fine”
I often find myself thinking in depth about as to why people do the things they do, their character, and I often find that people rationalize the things they do despite how good or bad “it” or “what ” was.
“Some days my pain, some day my pain will mark you.”
Lately I’ve been feeling like nothing makes sense to me anymore - Is this the part of growing up that everyone dreads? A very good friend of mine’s mother calls these moments in life “our” good struggles, things that need to happen whether or not we want them to that allow us to grow and move forward. Which I agree, sometime’s it’s just hard to deal with. Emotionally. Looking back on my mere nineteen years of life I can see moments in which I have grown. Where smaller , petty things that once bothered me and ran the course of my emotions no longer get to me. Being involved in anything and realizing there will be other moments in time for me to do things or be around people I enjoy. That there is plenty of time in life to figure things out, that hard work will get me somewhere, there will always be things and people to interact with - and I am never alone. And I’m worth more than I often give myself credit for, that my parents were NOT ever out to make me miserable and left out of group activities, that my flaws make me unique and even when I still am uncomfortable with them people aren’t looking at them as much as I am, and I’m now realizing this.
These good struggles, - seems to have consumed my life since my eleventh grade year. I’ve overcome alot and I continue to struggle, whether financially, emotionally, or physically. My life is discombulagted and flipped around, My heart’s torn into a million different ways and I’m living out of a dufflebag. My education is suffering and I don’t even know what I want anymore, but sometimes it takes moments like these to really figure life out. Sometimes as my dad says, we have to do things we don’t want to, but because we have to. Life is never perfect and it’s really a struggle, but despite all these struggles I get by with the people I have and we all build eachother up and grow with one another. I’m out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone- like a box, is pretty big. I try to be openminded especially since I’d like others to be that way for me. But this comfort zone, I’m out of right now. I just want a place a consistent place to lay my head, and still have my job and school, but that’s not necessarily possible right now. But how will anyone - how will I grow if I don’t venture out of this box that most of us put ourselves in? You can’t. It takes failure, to grow, to understand what not to do, to learn. If you knew how to do anything life would be boring. So I say this- Despite this mess I am in, (I don’t regret any choices I’ve made - for once my brain is trying to outsmart my heart) My life may be a mess - but my head’s on straight, I’m doing the best at keeping myself composed, and maybe I just need to step back on this dwelling on what to do and where to go, and look at it from a different angle, at another time.
I often find myself walking through the cold bitter streets of Detroit, never really walking on the sidewalk, I find myself walking on the cold earth as it sinks between the my feet and shoes that carry myself along, it’s a familiar feeling, it feels like my feelings and emotions, something I connect with, uneasy, not really sturdy but holding up. This is a strange feeling and connection, but I don’t care.
“Another soldier going nowhere”
I feel like I’m making the best decisions for myself in the long run, and making choices that even though from the outside may not be the best,- I’m making /getting by with what options I have. My heart’s so big and set on becoming an artist - and the inability to attend school the way I’d like to (full time and nearby) is almost pushing myself away from it. Is this a sign or just an oppertunity to step back and grow and come back to a later date. I know this is nonsense - what does a nineteen year old girl know about feelings of the heart, or what is right vs what is wrong? I’m a hard worker - I THINK. I’m not trying to boost my self esteem and talk about how great I am or anything, but the moment I invest myself into something I put as much effort as I can into it - projects, work, and especially people I really care about. I feel like for the past two years I’ve invested so much into working yet I keep going nowhere. Is this Karma for some unknown reason where life’s path has lead me?
“From the only place that you’ve known”
I don’t want to give up! That is not an option! I don’t want people to think that I’m giving up on anything if I can’t go to school, or if I have to quit my job, or if I can’t afford something. I REFUSE TO LET MY FORTUNES DEFINE MYSELF AS A STUDENT ESPECIALLY. I want to learn! I want to know so many things, I want to drown in color, ideas, opinions, politics, history, technique & design. I want to show people what I day dream about, the colors I see and how I feel. I want to be able to execute these things and make other’s feel things through my words and hands. Many people who aren’t ins chool have told me - JUST DO IT ANYWAYS! But there are just some THINGS I NEED TO LEARN. INTERACTION AND OBSERVATION push me forward. I’m someone who learns best by watching, interacting, and conversation. This school situation is killing me - I don’t want ot disappoint anyone - but if I can’t go because of finances and my living situations it will kill a little bit of me inside.
“Don’t build your world around, Volcanoes melt you down, what I am to you, is not real. What I am to you, you do not need, What I am to you, is not what you mean to me.”
destructive relationships seem to be a trend - I’m a giver, I give and I give and I give, I give my all, my anything I can give, and I work to give more, and I expect people to do the same, and that’s not true. I attract people who often take, as my Uncle put, “LIKE MOTHS TO A FLAME YOU ATTRACT THOSE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF THEM, YOU HAVE THIS MOTHERLY INSTINCT”. This I found strange. I do give, and often other’s take, and I guilt myself when I can’t be what someone wants, I’m so empathetic it’s sickening.
HOW AM I KEEPING THIS TOGETHER? I truly do not know. Some days are easier than others - but right now, I need answers. and I know, that no one can give them to me, only myself to figure them out. A puzzle missing so many pieces.
“Something Unsual, Something Strange”
